WAITING.
I have been waiting for you
When you left
I told you
don't visit me
cause
I would be scared
to see you
So, as I crawled into bed,
I'd say
Crawl in behind me
wrap your arms around me
I saw you
sitting on the edge of my bed
Watching over me
Keeping me safe
Watching me cry
So, I dreamed you came back
You were not happy
No joy to return
My heart ached to see your sadness
I realized
you were not meant to be here
longer than the day
Dear God intended
Bringing you back
was to ease my own pain
it was my fantasy
that your return would return
you
to a healthier
sometimes nicer
less offensive and defensive
non-smoking
self
Yet, that would not be truth
You would return
first and foremost
in pain
therefore
in anger
You prayed to die
as a method of alleviating
your pain
I prayed for the alleviation of pain
for you to live
to have the life
I always believed you
were entitled to have
I prayed for your joy and peace
We had opposing prayers
We had opposing wants
We had opposing needs
We had similar dreams
You dreamed God would give me a better life
I dreamed God would do the same for you
You dreamed of my happiness and a romance
I dreamed of your happiness and a romance for you
I just wanted you to live and to live well
Too much of my life you spent ....not wanting to live
Too much of my life I spent not realizing that I was not living fully
So I cried
from a place so deep in my soul
that it aches
out of no place
tears roll
Your absence has given your prayers an answer
No pain, no pills, no wheelchair, no complaints
No fighting against the unfair disease which
steals your memories, your personality and your hope
No more being tired, barely eating.....barely being
no pretending at being strong yet being strong
Here I sit
Free
Living with the words of many
She would want you.....
Wishing the she would come back
Wishing the he would come back too
Thankful that I had them both but missing them just the same
Maybe our prayers were the same
In the end
they were grounded in love
love for each other
love wanting the best
the best as our hearts defined it
Wishing
Wanting
Hurting
Struggling
Believing
Alone
Together
Knowing that whatever
the end brought us
We would be together
Not always in the way
I dreamed
but
in ways that our God
determined
Living not in flesh
But
in my heart
and soul
Where
at some point
when I look over my life
When 100 years plus meets me
in great celebration
My God
My Mom and My Dad
will reach out to me
and say....
We have been waiting for you!